This is hot off the presses, Satan has a few New Year's resolutions he wants women to put into practice in order to serve him better.
In honor of the Screwtape Letters a novel by C.S. Lewis, here is a list of Satan's advice for women for the new year!
1. Shop More - Shopping is good for the soul, it gives you all the comfort, peace and hope you need, who needs God when there's a mall nearby. So shop til you drop girls! Spend that money without worrying about those who are less fortunate, after all you need more shoes!
2. Get Busy - To be busy is to be alive. When you're busy you're doing instead of being. You don't have time for things like patience, compassion, love or kindness. Your schedule will be too crowded for silly things like prayer or Bible study and you'll be so distracted by what you're doing you won't even notice the days slipping by without much thought of the "big guy." So decide to get busy this year. Don't find time to just be, to enjoy those you love or to rest, you can rest once you're dead!
3. Keep it Real - Relationships are about keeping it real, tell everybody exactly what you're feeling because feelings are always right. Don't let God's Law convince you any different. There's no need to censor, they can take you or leave you, what do you care? After all, everyone needs to accept you just the way you are, after all I do. In fact, I don't care if you are insensitive, selfish or downright mean, I encourage it. Life is about you, so make sure everyone knows that.
4. Find more 'me' time - And speaking of you, isn't about time that you had some time that was just about you? After all, isn't that the purpose of life, to make yourself happy? Kids? Husbands? Friends? They need to take a back seat, you're tired, and need some time to indulge yourself. That's my gospel, love yourself, then if you have any time left you can love others. After all, how can you care for anyone when you don't have the energy to take care of yourself? To love means to first love yourself! That's my motto.
5. Watch more chick flicks - The more movies you can watch that make you envious of a life you'll never have the better. Watch and see all that you are missing out on. Judge your life and your man based on the actors on the big screen it'll do wonders for you. Chick flicks are a good reminder about how great your life could be, but isn't.
6. Try to have it all - You can and should have it all, everything 'you' have ever wanted. After all, life is about you, remember? You want to have your cake and eat it to? Great! I'm all for that. Work, work, work, come home and work some more. Who said a woman couldn't do it all? Prove to them that you are special and you can. A life set on pleasing self is a life that does less damage to my mission, so please make it all about having it all.
7. Find more opportunities to take charge - Everyone loves a bossy woman, so get out there and get to work. Men love manly women who aren't afraid to take charge. It's in your nature, you were meant to rule the roost, so prove yourself and don't let yourself submit or humble yourself to anyone, it's just not natural. Pride is your friend.
8. Choose being right over being happy - Being right is the best thing in the world so make sure everyone knows how right you are, even if it means they won't like you are want to be around you much. Being meek and humble is a giant waste of time. But being right feels so good, and after all, truth be told, you're right pretty much all of the time, so why shouldn't everyone know it?
9. Go after what you want in life - If you don't go after what you want no one is going to give it to you. Prayer is for people who are too weak to do it themselves. So if you want something don't waste your time finding out 'God's will' or asking for his 'help' or 'direction,' just do it.
10. Give perfection a rest - No one is perfect so why even try? You're never going to be good enough for God, his expectations are too high and you are too bad, so relax and just enjoy yourself. Who wants to be like the guy who walks on water anyway? I mean, just look at him, he was homeless and poor, yuck, who would want to have that as your model for life? Nope, don't try to imitate him, just be who you are, flaws and all and know that he'll get over it.
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