There is a saying out there that sounds good to the ears of many a woman, and it goes like this, ‘happy wife, happy life.’
It assumes that the goal of every man shouldn't be to be right, or to have an opinion different from his wife, but should be to serve his wife that she might at all costs be happy. Which implies that without her ‘happy’ state everyone else is in trouble. Many a well-meaning man meets the demands of this statement in order to keep the peace. But is this a Biblical concept, that man should, at all costs, make his wife happy in order for everyone else in the home to be happy? Does woman truly command such honor and service that her happiness ought to be everyone else’s goal?
This is an idea I have considered on repeated occasions. When my man argues with my ideas or calls my actions sinful I can easily retreat into a kind of ‘get you back’ mode, where everyone in the house better look out, cuz momma ain’t happy. I’ve been known to become short with my daughter, to slam a door or two and to stop all semblance of normalcy to go to my room and mope. Like a disciplined teenager I resent his intrusion into my state of happiness and comfort.
But the question I have today, this side of the hurt and anger is, should my actions, and even emotions, really rest on my husband’s ability to make me happy? Should I react to his ‘pushing of my buttons,’ or observance of my ‘mistakes,’ sinfully or spiritually? If a man is called, by God, to lead his wife, then isn’t he charged with making some unpopular decisions? After all, it isn’t always fun to be told ‘no,’ or to have a sin pointed out, but when one is being led one is bound to confront both situations. The point is this, if a man is a good leader then doesn’t he make his decisions based on what is right or moral rather than on the whims of his wife? Can a man, any man, be a good leader when all of his decisions are based on whether or not it will make his wife happy? Doesn’t that filter just transfer leadership to the one whose emotions he serves? And isn’t his goal in this situation ultimately one of self-protection? If your man is afraid to point out your error because of fear of your reaction, then you have taught him to serve your emotions over your spiritual well being. If he chooses to make his decisions based solely on keeping you happy, then it can be said that a good emotional outcome is his number one goal. But in the life of a believer our number one goal is not to be a one of worship of happiness, but worship of God. And sometimes happiness takes a back seat to holiness. As I’ve often said, God’s goal is not to make you happy, it’s to make you holy. So to expect your man to serve a different end is to remove the spiritual role of male leadership from your relationship.
When we look at the life of Christ we see our example, or rather our husband's example, in this situation. There were repeated times when the disciples argued with Jesus. They didn’t want to go where he went. (Matt 16:21-23) They didn’t think he should be talking to who he was talking to. (Mark 10:13-16) And in each situation how did Christ react? Did he react in order to keep the peace, or to keep the faith? His actions where always based on his interaction with the Father. and not with the emotional desires or needs of his disciples. If Jesus would have lived by the motto ‘happy disciple, happy life,’ history would have been much different. Take a look at how differently Peter wanted Jesus’ life to go, and notice Jesus’ reaction to Peter’s emotional statement:
"From then on Jesus began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead.
But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!”
Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Get away from me, Satan! You are a dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.” (Matt16:21-23)
How easy it is for all of us to see things from our human point of view, to want what we want at all costs, and to react poorly when we don’t get it. But the Woman of Mystery is a woman who puts God’s point of view ahead of her own. She wants spiritual growth over happiness, and she knows that even if her husband is wrong, his actions are never an excuse for her sin.
The model of marriage is spelled out clearly in Ephesians 5:23, "a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church.” As the head of the church Christ didn’t consider the emotional well-being of his disciples to be a barometer for his actions. And he most certainly didn’t fear making them upset by what he did or said. Man is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and this includes not only serving her, but loving her enough to risk making her mad in order to do his job as spiritual leader.
It isn’t always easy, but as I attempt to practice this life of Mystery I have to remind myself that if my man disagrees with me or calls out my sin, it isn’t the man I need to fight with but my own sinfulness. "No man’s actions are ever an excuse for my sin," I continue to repeat to myself. In the life of love it is never easy to meet with disagreement or unhappiness, but when my goal is simply holiness it gets a lot easier when those challenges come, to react in love instead of anger or resentment. I haven’t gotten this down, but it is something I am working on daily thanks to a man who isn’t afraid to lead, even when his leadership is unpopular.
