The Bachelor Week 1 Part 1

Season premiere of The Bachelor, episode #1, hour #1, liveblog

Here we are, with a new season of The Bachelor.  And Hayley and I are going to try and liveblog the episodes as we watch them and post the blogs a little after they air since we DVR everything. And believe it or not, the B shows are case studies in both marriability and cupidity!

0:01: Jake is the new Bachelor.  Airline pilot/nice guy/oversharer from The Bachelorette season with Jillian.  Easy pick for the new B.  "Nice guys finish last."

My word, the backgrounder intro they've tried to add some edge to him with all the beefcake!

4:20: Oh no, now the Mad Max motorcycle scene.  Is that helmet huge or is it just me?

4:50: *SUGAR OVERLOAD* "On the Wings of Love" muzak instrumental with the Top Gun sunset shot with...a lumbering commercial jet flying over at Mach -1.  Not quite a Navy fighter jet.

5:40: LALALALALALALA - we always fast forward past the previews or as Chris Harrison says, "Coming up..."  So no comments until we come back from commercial.  *Groan* - Don't know I'm going to make it through a whole season of "on the wings of love" as a subtitle at every commercial break.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

Annnnnd we're back from commercial #1 to meet the bachelorettes.

ALI - immediately a frontrunner unless her being 25 is an issue.  Hayley laughed at the "I lost a boyfriend to video games" comment.  I quickly reminded her I could be playing Call of Duty right now instead of this.  If Ali has any maturity at all or old-soulness then she's the next Melissa (school teacher that was on Dancing with the Stars.)

ALEXA - Entrepreneur Harley woman won't make the first cut.  Jake doesn't need someone tougher than him.  Too take charge.

TENLEY - I'm a dancer!  (Timberlake/SNL reference)  She has possibilities, Oregon in the hiz-ouse, etc.  Played a number of Disney princesses and spent nine months in Tokyo.  Code for "I was a Disney/ABC employee."

True fact: one of Michael's high school buddies and short time college roommates Pat was a nanny for ex-Disney CEO Michael Eisner.

Ladies and gents, we have the first virgin reference of the show but with a sad twist: Tenley was married and her and her hubby were virgins til marriage and then he cheated.  I predict we'll have a bunch of veiled "we share the same values" comments with the contestants and Jake because he has the secret Christian vibe...while everyone frolics in the hot tub...

We're both rooting for Tenley (in general, not specifically for Jake) because everyone deserves a second chance and she just might be a sista.  And she's from Oregon.  :)

ELIZABETH - Hey, a normal girl!  We like Elizabeth a lot.  The Captain in the military might put too much competition on Jake, plus Eliz's ability to compete with the trashy dressers and spokesmodels sure to come could be too much for her to make an impression.  But we definitely likey.

ROZLYN - And...cue the model!  Oh please, oh please, oh PULEEZE let there be a second Roslyn so this one can be referred to as Rozlyn with a Z !!!  Models are basically the equivalent to male country western singer contestants on The Bachelorette.  Beware the career advancement motivation.  Plus she said everything is a competition even when it's not.  If Jake is smart he'll keep her, if he's wise he'll cut her the tonight.

CHRISTINA - Here's the first admitted 'witch' with a 'B' and "guy's girl" aka the Mean Girl (Hayley's specialty.)  Yeah, don't think this package on her is helping her rep.

VIENNA - Ok, I just called her Britney and Hayley called Tori Spelling but now I'm thinking Britney/Sharpay?  Oh this is sad, they're making her b-roll and voiceover into a dumb blonde joke.  She trips on the boat dock then they have her walking on her hands in a handstand in a bikini with her saying "I'm very intelligent."  Oh no, she's even got the teacup sized dog.

ASHLEY - We have our first school teacher.  They're usually pretty normal, funny, sweet, and good up to the home town dates.  Frontrunner.

ELIZABETH #2 AKA MEGAN FOX/COURTNEY COX - OK, my buddy Pat was not as hot as this nanny.  Though he did show as much cleavage.

ELLA - Tennessee (our adopted home) in the hiz-ouse. Hair stylist, has a son, and hits the speed bag in the boxing ring slower than Ghandi in a street fight.  She's 70/30 on the first night for telling Jake at the cocktail party that she has a kid. "He's coming home with me."

GIA - Wears a cummerbund for a bikini top.  Like some chivalrous guy at prom wouldn't let her skinny dip. OK, I see, she's the big city party girl me thinks. Fitness model, swimwear model.  She just called Jake an "all american BOY".  Beware the Tigress.

KIMBERLY - And here's our first pro team dancer/cheerleader.

OK - now they're racing through the rest of the girls...but watch out for MICHELLE who says "I'M 24 AND READY TO BE A WIFE!"  Um, slooooow down girl.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

Aaaannnnnd...welcome back to Jake washing his abs.  HOORAY HYGIENE!

Now let's proceed to load the women in the limos, circle LA for two hours with an endless supply of champagne...and meet Jake for the eighth time in 30 minutes.  This show is ripe for a drinking game.  Drink (grape juice) when Jake says "ab-so-LUTE-ly!" or there's a t ight shot of his abs.  Hey, you can't have 'Absolutely' without 'Abs'!!

18:20: The back story on Jake's parents explains a lot of why he was guilty of Cupidity and so open and an oversharer on The Bachelorette and rarely gets a second date.  Classic mistake of modeling what two people after years of marriage share instead of knowing courtship is different.  Easily solved with a little mystery and a drop of bad boy extract.  We both agree we like Jake and want him to find love with minimal Cupidity.

ABSOLUTELY! *gulp*

Chris: "Would you give up flying for love?"

Jake: "Love is more powerful than flying."

Michael: "That's what Saddam told his troops in Kuwait before the B-52s came."

Hayley: "HAHAHA *snort*"

This is the spot that Hayley sprints from the couch towards the bathroom yelling "PAUSE IT PAUSE IT PAUSE IT!"  How does ABC the average woman to watch a two hour program without two to three bathroom breaks?  Someone needs to do a study of the most likely commercial breaks women will need to 'go.'  Advertisers shouldn't pay as much for that break.  Right now my money's on commercial break #3.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

We're back from commercial and the ABC crew has done the requisite hosing down of the flagstone driveway.  I feel dumb right now not realizing they use the same SoCal mansion for all these U.S. seasons.  Prepare to hear the sounds of mature, elegant women emanating from the approaching limo: "JAKE!!! WOOO!!!"

• First out, Rozlyn with a Z...oh, her name means little rose.
• Ali lost her voice but brought a peacock feather.  She probably has bird flu.
• Jessie from Canada bombed on her "do you have a "registry" for these guns?"
• Tenley looks great and composed.  But wait, she gets in with the girls and tells them she's in love with him already.  *sigh*
• Ella already pulled out a huge cupidity moment "how does it feel to be talking to your future wife?"  What? Saving the son info for a chaser?
• Kathryn - Hayley loves her purple teacup dress.  Dating a flight at tendant for a pilot tho probably feels too familiar for Jake.
• Elizabeth #1 looks good all dolled-up!  Good for Captain! She has a two sided coin.  Wow, everyone has a gimmick now to try and be memorable.
• Alexa (the Harley girl) just ended with an "alright babe".  She's gotta be gone.
• Vienna - "like the sausage."  No, she didn't say that.  She's just looking for her K-Fed....
• Valishia - the lower third graphic says she's a homemaker.  Hmmm.  Now she's rubbing TX dirt in his palm.  You can't make this up.
• Gia is about to pounce.  She'll be around at least until she gets a one-on-one date.

15 down, 10 to go, and 10 HAVE to go tonight.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #4

More girls:

• Elizabeth #2 aka Megan Fox/Courtney Cox just asked Jake to close his eyes and picture his favorite place and he lobbed her a softball with "right here, right now" to which MF/CC said, "right here?! Awww! Mine's snowboarding!" Jake's face was stun gunned.
• Channy forgot to tell Jake her name until after she said something to him in Cambodian, "the other language that I speak."  I'm scared to get that mystery phrase translated.  She also gets the short dress award.
• Ashley (school teacher) brought Jake a picker that wasn't broken.  Teachers are always crafty.
• Tiana - oops, panned back and she's taller than Jake.
• Christina our mean girl from earlier brought 'parting gifts' for all the girls cuz they're gonna lose.  And she actually told them!
• Ashleigh tripped and fell into Jake's arms.  Mission accomplished driveway hose down team!
• Stephanie is a dance teacher and "pom coach".  First time in Bachelor history a contestant trains pomeranians for the russian circus.
• Sheila -pilot with aviator glasses.  Don't think Jake wants another pilot.
• Michelle flies in with arms out.  She wants to be his copilot.  Ok, now she's reaching for the analogies, wanting to be "the passenger in your...*searching,  searching*...your flight."

Okay we missed what Chris just asked Jake because I just rattled off her next three analogies if Michelle had more time (which I did during commercial #5:)

"I'd like to be the baggage in your cargo hold."

"I'd like to be the odd shaped deodorizing puck in your lavatory."

"I'd like to be your restricted/confiscated items can at your security checkpoint."

COMMERCIAL BREAK #5

And we're back!  Here comes the cocktail party carnage.  "I'm sorry for being so nervous!"  Oversharing again Jake.  The rest of the welcome was good tho.

ABSOLUTELY! *gulp*

Yay!  He's an aquarius (asked by Rozlyn with a Z.)  That hopefully is the first and last zodiac reference until The Bachelor 70's edition premieres next Fall.

WOW.  Ali, voice lost, peacock feather, is scared to death of flying and ripped her dress.  The fear of flying lets Jake rescue/save her.  Still frontrunner.

Jake's top 3 priorities:

1. God
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Abs (we added that one.)

Channy just translated her Cambodian mystery phrase, "you can land on my landing strip anytime."  And one of the ABC cameramen dropped his camera in a cold sweat as he had flashbacks of an airdrop gone bad in Southeast Asia.

Ella as predicted revealed she had a son to Jake AND GAVE JAKE HER SON'S LUCKY TOY PLANE.  No pressure!

Ashley the school teacher changed into her flight attendant halloween costume.  Good thing Jake didn't become a doctor like everyone else in his family or we would have seen the ubiquitous 'naughty nurse' costume.

MF/CC  thinks "you can tell a lot about a guy by the way he throws a football."  This rivals Jillian's old hot dog/ketchup/mustard theory.

Is it any surprise the brunettes beat the blondes in the impromptu football game?

Coming up...hour #2.

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